I woke up this morning feeling so much better than I have in the past few days. I mean, nothings really changed. My financial aid is still all screwed up and i might not be able to take classes this fall, but its not the end of the world. Maybe God doesn't want me in school this semester. Maybe I have to concentrate on my baby. I've been thinking about starting my business back up. Maybe I'm suppose to take these few months to do it? Or maybe something great is about to happen and I have to be available for it. I don't know, but getting upset over something I can not control is ridiculous. One of those lessons I have to keep learning over and over again, I guess.
Yesterday I was late picking up my daughter because I was caught by a train and it had the nerve to stop right in the middle of the intersection. I'm screaming and crying at the train in my car like that's gonna help move the thing when it hits me. What the hell am I doing? Is this solving anything? Are my tears gonna magically pick the train up off the tracks and move it a mile down the road? No. So I calmly pulled out my cell phone, called the camp where my daughter was and informed them I would be late. There, that's all, no harm no foul. Now why was I crying again?
Things are still crappy at home, but I tried something last night. i walked around the house smiling. While I cooked, while I washed dishes, while I did everything I just smiled and you know what? I felt better. My daughter smiled at me. My boyfriend looked at me a little like I was crazy but he smiled too. The house just felt a little freer. Again it didn't solve anything, but I felt better and that's what really matters right? I think I'm gonna try it again today.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Feelings Suck!
So, here I am at work feeling extremely crappy and extremely board. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend last night and my face is all gray and stretched out of shape from crying all night. I look like I've been up for the past 48 hrs watching TV. My stomach feels tighter than a bowling ball and sitting in this uncomfortable chair is not making things any better. I've been trying to register for classes for the past two weeks but between holds, lost files and dumb advisers I can't get anything done. I don't know if I'll be able to take classes this fall semester. And to top it all off, my ex husband ( I did mention I used to be married didn't I?) wont answer my daughters calls and she's been walking around the house all gloomy faced and it makes me want to drive to Ohio and punch him in the face.
With this pregnancy I feel everything and I feel like I'm feeling it twice as hard. My girl friend is living a good life right now ( making extremely good money, living at home so she has no bills, dating a number of good looking guys, shopping, eating out- the fancy life) and she's all flowery advise and platitudes: "nothing last forever" "this to shall pass" "life is what you make it" "blah, blah, blah." And hey don't get me wrong, I've been there so I know she's right. Nothing last, good or bad. Everything is always changing. But I don't want to hear that shit right now. When I'm knee deep in the middle of this muck, none of that is registering. I want some damn sympathy. I want some one to agree with me that, "yeah! This sucks!" At this point, with my crappy job, love life and home life the world looks grey and defeated. The glass is half empty and this fall means the death of everything and I want to plan my revenge. Its me against the world and I want to hurt something!!
Okay, so all that's a little dramatic, but that's what I mean. This pregnancy is making me queen of the drama and I cant seem to control it. All I want is to go a whole day with no disappointments. Or to go a whole week without feeling sad. I just want to feel happy and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Is that to much to ask?
With this pregnancy I feel everything and I feel like I'm feeling it twice as hard. My girl friend is living a good life right now ( making extremely good money, living at home so she has no bills, dating a number of good looking guys, shopping, eating out- the fancy life) and she's all flowery advise and platitudes: "nothing last forever" "this to shall pass" "life is what you make it" "blah, blah, blah." And hey don't get me wrong, I've been there so I know she's right. Nothing last, good or bad. Everything is always changing. But I don't want to hear that shit right now. When I'm knee deep in the middle of this muck, none of that is registering. I want some damn sympathy. I want some one to agree with me that, "yeah! This sucks!" At this point, with my crappy job, love life and home life the world looks grey and defeated. The glass is half empty and this fall means the death of everything and I want to plan my revenge. Its me against the world and I want to hurt something!!
Okay, so all that's a little dramatic, but that's what I mean. This pregnancy is making me queen of the drama and I cant seem to control it. All I want is to go a whole day with no disappointments. Or to go a whole week without feeling sad. I just want to feel happy and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Is that to much to ask?
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Not So Crappy Today
The one thing my crappy boyfriend and I have in common is our very active sex life. I just gotta have it and so does he; no holds bar. When things are good we average about once a day. My girlfriend says its unnatural. I am so physically attracted to him (obviously since I'm pregnant) that depending on what he has on, when we argue I cant always focus on what he's saying; the muscles in his arms puts me into a trance like state and when he grabs me to ask me if I'm listening, it takes my breath away.
But things have been so uptight with us lately. It's the baby thing. It wasn't exactly planned and he thinks we can't afford another baby and he's too young to have another baby. Which might be true but I'm of the mind that there's nothing we can do about it now; can't go back in time. We should have been more careful. But all of this is for another discussion. My point now is that for the last month or so we have not been very active in the bedroom and with my high sex drive, by the third day I am a grouch. Not to mention with my changing body my insecurity level has doubled!!!!
So here we are day 4 and I think I'm bout to loose it. I hear him come in from work and I'm lying on the bed watching one of his shows. He comes into the bedroom and makes some comment about me wanting to be like him because I'm watching his show and I laugh it it off and say something corny in response, but I'm thinking, "Okay, so at least he's talking to me. I'll try something else." He's a construction worker so he usually takes a shower when he first comes home. When he gets out the shower I snatch his towel and he chases me for a bit and we have a little laugh and I'm thinking, "good. I'll make my move."
So he leaves for a while, like most nights, usually to get a beer or two or watch whatever sports game is on at the bar down the street, with some friends. While he's gone, I hop in the shower and quickly shave wherever I can still reach and rub my smell good lotion all over me. I have two little cotton spaghetti strapped teddy's that I wear when I want to look sexy; a black one and a pink one. Now I haven't put either of them on in a few months, because we haven't done anything special in a while, but I'm thinking today I need the big guns. So I put on the black one and stare at myself in the mirror. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the whale that is staring back at me. My boobs are spilling over the cups, the back is so stretched that it's making little rolls on the sides and the front is about 2 inches higher in then the back. It looks like I swallowed one of Fred Flintstones pterodactyl eggs. Then my daughter comes down stairs and says, "Oh mommy you look so cute." And I'm like "You think so?" And she's like, "Yes, that looks good on you." Then she goes about her business. So I trust my little nine year old and chalk up my impression of myself to hormones and nervousness.
So about an hour later, I'm leaning on my dresser, talking on the phone when he comes in. He's about to say something but stops short when he sees me. He has this look on his face. I don't know if the look is "What is she wearing?" or if it's, "What, is she wearing?" so he says nothing at all and walks in the room. I leave the room so I can wrap up my conversation. He takes his clothes off, turns off the lights and gets into the bed. Now I'm really starting to panic.
I noticed he left the t.v. on for me because I like to watch a little t.v. before I fall asleep. But now I'm scared that I made a mistake and that my daughter told me I look nice because she's nine and doesn't know any better, when actually I look like a rhinoceros. So I stall. I call my daughter down to get ready for bed. I make her take a shower even though she begged me to let her wait until the morning, then I go clean up the kitchen which I already did when I put the food away, but thought I saw a spot on the counter so I clean it again.
Finally, I go in the bedroom and get in the bed. I could jump his bones, but the rejection I would feel if he pushed me away is almost too unbearable to think about. I turn the t.v. to King of Queens (its either that or Family Guy) and settle into the show. Half hour later I click the t.v. off and turn over on my side thoroughly disappointed, when all of a sudden I feel a hand wrap around my waist. He pulls me to him and a night that I thought was over was just beginning. To top things off, in the morning when his alarm clock went off, he flipped me over and started all over again. So he leaves to go to work (I don't have to get up for another two hours) and I 'm rolling around in our sex laden sheets and the smile on my face is unmeasurable and my body is humming with bliss and I cant help but to give kudos to the not so crappy boyfriend after all!
But things have been so uptight with us lately. It's the baby thing. It wasn't exactly planned and he thinks we can't afford another baby and he's too young to have another baby. Which might be true but I'm of the mind that there's nothing we can do about it now; can't go back in time. We should have been more careful. But all of this is for another discussion. My point now is that for the last month or so we have not been very active in the bedroom and with my high sex drive, by the third day I am a grouch. Not to mention with my changing body my insecurity level has doubled!!!!
So here we are day 4 and I think I'm bout to loose it. I hear him come in from work and I'm lying on the bed watching one of his shows. He comes into the bedroom and makes some comment about me wanting to be like him because I'm watching his show and I laugh it it off and say something corny in response, but I'm thinking, "Okay, so at least he's talking to me. I'll try something else." He's a construction worker so he usually takes a shower when he first comes home. When he gets out the shower I snatch his towel and he chases me for a bit and we have a little laugh and I'm thinking, "good. I'll make my move."
So he leaves for a while, like most nights, usually to get a beer or two or watch whatever sports game is on at the bar down the street, with some friends. While he's gone, I hop in the shower and quickly shave wherever I can still reach and rub my smell good lotion all over me. I have two little cotton spaghetti strapped teddy's that I wear when I want to look sexy; a black one and a pink one. Now I haven't put either of them on in a few months, because we haven't done anything special in a while, but I'm thinking today I need the big guns. So I put on the black one and stare at myself in the mirror. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at the whale that is staring back at me. My boobs are spilling over the cups, the back is so stretched that it's making little rolls on the sides and the front is about 2 inches higher in then the back. It looks like I swallowed one of Fred Flintstones pterodactyl eggs. Then my daughter comes down stairs and says, "Oh mommy you look so cute." And I'm like "You think so?" And she's like, "Yes, that looks good on you." Then she goes about her business. So I trust my little nine year old and chalk up my impression of myself to hormones and nervousness.
So about an hour later, I'm leaning on my dresser, talking on the phone when he comes in. He's about to say something but stops short when he sees me. He has this look on his face. I don't know if the look is "What is she wearing?" or if it's, "What, is she wearing?" so he says nothing at all and walks in the room. I leave the room so I can wrap up my conversation. He takes his clothes off, turns off the lights and gets into the bed. Now I'm really starting to panic.
I noticed he left the t.v. on for me because I like to watch a little t.v. before I fall asleep. But now I'm scared that I made a mistake and that my daughter told me I look nice because she's nine and doesn't know any better, when actually I look like a rhinoceros. So I stall. I call my daughter down to get ready for bed. I make her take a shower even though she begged me to let her wait until the morning, then I go clean up the kitchen which I already did when I put the food away, but thought I saw a spot on the counter so I clean it again.
Finally, I go in the bedroom and get in the bed. I could jump his bones, but the rejection I would feel if he pushed me away is almost too unbearable to think about. I turn the t.v. to King of Queens (its either that or Family Guy) and settle into the show. Half hour later I click the t.v. off and turn over on my side thoroughly disappointed, when all of a sudden I feel a hand wrap around my waist. He pulls me to him and a night that I thought was over was just beginning. To top things off, in the morning when his alarm clock went off, he flipped me over and started all over again. So he leaves to go to work (I don't have to get up for another two hours) and I 'm rolling around in our sex laden sheets and the smile on my face is unmeasurable and my body is humming with bliss and I cant help but to give kudos to the not so crappy boyfriend after all!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Beginings
Hello,
This is my first posting and I'm a little nervous. I have been sitting here for the past 30 min. trying to decide what I should write about. What is so interesting in my life that I'm willing to share it with the entire online world? Should I talk about my experiences in school; I'm back to the books after a 8 year hiatus. I think I want to be a collage professor since I think I know more than them most of the time. Maybe I should tell tales of my very boring job with the most amusing old people I have ever worked with; two very old ladies and one very old, very gay man. I don't know whether to bring a knife to split my wriste from boredom or to bring some popcorn to sit back and enjoy the show. I'm eight months pregnant, about to have another baby. My other child is nine years old so its like I'm starting all over again. I thought being pregnant again would be wonderful, but it turns out that it sucks! I could share tales of my crappy boyfriend. He's seven years younger than me and has a body of a Greek God. He treats me like crap but I love him anyway. I can't explain why except to say the sex is amazing and I don't want to let that go. I've had a lot of jobs; I've owned my own business; I've dated a lot of men; I love to cook; I love to eat; I love to read; I've traveled the world; I own my own home; Ive pretty much done it all! Yet, i don't know who I am.
I meet up with my girlfriend once a week over dinner and cocktails ( well fruit smoothies for me now) and we play catch up, rehashing our week of ups and downs. Even the sad stuff that happens to me has her laughing and crying throughout our meal. She's always telling me that I should write my stories down. No one else would believe them if I didn't document it. The kind of stuff that happens to me only seem to happen to me. So you know what? I'm going to talk about all of it. The good, the bad, the boring, the interesting; all of it will flow out of me onto these pages. Maybe I will find the answers that my soul is seeking. Maybe I will find relief in sharing my demons or an unburdening as I "take out the trash" that clutters my life. Or maybe, just maybe, I can make someone smile and feel good about their own life when they read about the sometimes funny, often sad events that make up my life. Either way, I'm gonna do it. So WELCOME! My name is Seven and I'VE BEEN THERE! DONE THAT!
This is my first posting and I'm a little nervous. I have been sitting here for the past 30 min. trying to decide what I should write about. What is so interesting in my life that I'm willing to share it with the entire online world? Should I talk about my experiences in school; I'm back to the books after a 8 year hiatus. I think I want to be a collage professor since I think I know more than them most of the time. Maybe I should tell tales of my very boring job with the most amusing old people I have ever worked with; two very old ladies and one very old, very gay man. I don't know whether to bring a knife to split my wriste from boredom or to bring some popcorn to sit back and enjoy the show. I'm eight months pregnant, about to have another baby. My other child is nine years old so its like I'm starting all over again. I thought being pregnant again would be wonderful, but it turns out that it sucks! I could share tales of my crappy boyfriend. He's seven years younger than me and has a body of a Greek God. He treats me like crap but I love him anyway. I can't explain why except to say the sex is amazing and I don't want to let that go. I've had a lot of jobs; I've owned my own business; I've dated a lot of men; I love to cook; I love to eat; I love to read; I've traveled the world; I own my own home; Ive pretty much done it all! Yet, i don't know who I am.
I meet up with my girlfriend once a week over dinner and cocktails ( well fruit smoothies for me now) and we play catch up, rehashing our week of ups and downs. Even the sad stuff that happens to me has her laughing and crying throughout our meal. She's always telling me that I should write my stories down. No one else would believe them if I didn't document it. The kind of stuff that happens to me only seem to happen to me. So you know what? I'm going to talk about all of it. The good, the bad, the boring, the interesting; all of it will flow out of me onto these pages. Maybe I will find the answers that my soul is seeking. Maybe I will find relief in sharing my demons or an unburdening as I "take out the trash" that clutters my life. Or maybe, just maybe, I can make someone smile and feel good about their own life when they read about the sometimes funny, often sad events that make up my life. Either way, I'm gonna do it. So WELCOME! My name is Seven and I'VE BEEN THERE! DONE THAT!
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